SELF CARE: JUNE

Since her and Wanda’s impromptu traipse to Wind Valley, Pepper finds herself wandering Woolhope with a different attitude. She had returned to her Mini form despite her desire to stay her standard size. When she is Standard, everything feels more possible for her. Things are no longer out of reach and she is able to more accurately convey her emotions.

Those emotions are still mostly negative, but Wanda is not scared away by it. She says that Pepper’s dark eyes are pretty, beautiful even. It just feels different when Wanda says it over someone like Astral, who attributes Pepper to a monster who has a place in the Scarfox Realm. It is hard to quantify how much Pepper dislikes Astral, especially when she tries her best to keep moving towards her goal.

In a way, it almost seems like Pepper is fighting a battle that is impossible to win. She is trying so desperately to change into a fox that will be loved and applauded. A fox who is not avoided. One who is kind and compassionate. It’s been a year - no, longer than even that - and she has made no progress. Every day she is barely able to keep her hate in check. It is an exercise in self control every waking moment and there are times that she just wishes that she could destroy everything in her path and move onto the next town and continue the rampage until the hate has fully left her. Surely it would leave her if she just let it run its course.

But, for now, she cannot do that and she knows this. Instead, Pepper finds herself doing her job without complaints. She picks up messages and deliveries from Piero, returns with the answers and trades, and takes care of her ever growing troupe of pets. Salt is the most needy when she closes the door to her room. With the pitiful crystal payments Pepper gets for working around Woolhope, she is able to make cute little cages for her pets. Beds and bowls to keep them safe and warm. She decorates each of the them to the specific tastes of each of her pets gladly.

It is like a switch. When Pepper is out there in the realm that is so big and varied, she is nothing but a pathetic little child that needs help. She sees it in the eyes of all who do not know her. They see her and think that she is a child or a damsel or someone incapable of helping herself. And they are right, but not for the reasons they assume. Pepper does have a hard time helping herself. She doesn’t really change as much as she stops herself from going down the darker path.

She takes comfort in the fact that her thoughts are her own, but when she was with Wanda, it was like being unshackled. Wanda did not recoil from her, did not pity her, did not do anything other than sit in her company. Pepper was at a loss for words. Normally, she would have rebuked Wanda. She would have turned away and left it at that, but Wanda’s understanding was unlike anything Pepper had ever experienced before.

Pepper sits with her pets, Salt begging for food that Pepper would not be able to get until the winter months again. Rattle is firmly attached to the highest place Pepper could get to. Blueberry is digging through the leftovers of that day’s lunch and munching away at it. Critter is in a small basin of water, swimming in circles and chirping excitedly. Pepper feels at peace here, and when she is able to next, she wants to set up more of a home for these pets, who also just enjoy her company.

With the lack of expectations, she feels at ease, and completely overwhelmed with her feelings about Wanda. It’s not admiration or infatuation. Pepper knows what these things feel like and these are not the things that plague her. It is the fear of being perceived. Even though Wanda does not fear her, Pepper is afraid to hurt her. To hurt the only other fox who has ever looked at her with neutrality. Neutrality can become scorn so quickly. It can also become something like worship. That is what Jonathan does, worships a version of her that he made up.

Pepper scoops Salt up and puts him in her bed so he can frolic in the blankets. He makes lots of laughing sounds as he bunches up the blankets and makes them so very cold. Snow bites at the edges of the blankets, and Blueberry licks it all up, the glutton.

She climbs up into bed with her pets, batting them away from each other as Salt is licked as well. Blueberry is not allowed to lick the other pets because it would only take a few seconds for Blueberry to go from playful banter to trying to wholesale eat them. Pepper swears she will do something about it one day, but has no idea what to feed this living stomach to make it stop constantly looking for more.

However, when Pepper is in a mood, Salt, Blueberry, and even Rattle will try to curl up on top of her, making nuzzling movements and happy sounds. To bring her comfort because they love her unconditionally. Pepper wishes she could do the same but is perfectly content with just laying with her pets and giving them treats and cuddles.

Though, she is finding herself thinking more and more about how she wishes she could cuddle with Wanda. That she could spend more time with the mysterious witch who could see through the window into the soul and not be lost in the darkness that awaited her.

Pepper rolls over and Blueberry rolls with her, gurgling contently.

Later, Pepper will go to see Wanda again. She doesn’t know what she will do, but she will just go to Wanda and see if she can make sense of what these feelings are. First, a nap.